my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
