take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he shaved USA in his pubs
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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