i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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