there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
