I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
