he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
