Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Sorry about my life...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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