these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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