he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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