I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
