the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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