how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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