My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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