Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
