You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
