Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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