my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
