as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
