i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
