just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
