I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
