I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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