They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize