my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
