Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
