I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
