i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
