I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
