I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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