are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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