so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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