and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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