Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
