whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The dick lei will go down in squad history
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
