I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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