drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
