just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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