He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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