Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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