does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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