I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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