first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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