haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
