I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
