i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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