I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
