Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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