Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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