OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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