PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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