sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize