I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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