Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
