I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
