ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
