My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
