She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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