If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
