i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
