Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
