she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
