On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize