I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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